And no, being honest about your toxic past, as fake healed men, doesn’t mean you’ve done the work.
An old college friend once told me about some of the regretful choices he had made. Today, he works two jobs and lives in his car, but insists he’s evolved from the man he once was.
He said he was ready for a committed relationship. But when I asked about therapy or accountability? He hit me with every excuse imaginable. Somehow, he could justify every toxic decision, but couldn’t justify digging deep and doing the work.
That’s when it hit me: this man is part of a growing trend.
Fake. Healed. Men.
The Friend Zone Wasn’t the Problem
This same man once had a crush on me back in college. He never said anything until we graduated. And now? His version of opening up sounded more like a red flag confessional than emotional intimacy.
He told me he couldn’t treat his wife like he would a random woman. Wives get respect. Randoms get raw sex.
Translation? He believes a man should be gentle with his wife in bed, but if he wants something wild or “unladylike,” he goes elsewhere. Not with someone he values. With someone who means nothing.
He thought that honesty made him evolved. Like being upfront about disrespect somehow proved personal growth.
Nah, sir. That’s not growth. That’s narcissism with a side of manipulation.
Healed Men vs. Men Who Want Credit for Confessing (The Fake Healed Men)
He wasn’t healing. He just thought being brutally honest would make him look different. Better. Like a man who has matured.
But growth isn’t confession. Growth is change. And change requires work.
He wanted a relationship with me — the same me who has been putting in emotional labor and self-reflection, day after day. What had he done? Told his truth. That’s it. And he thought that was enough.
The Sovereign Woman and the Trend of Fake Healed Men
Recently, I came across a YouTuber named The Sovereign Woman. She says there’s a new wave coming: fake healed men. Men who go viral for their vulnerable interviews, their redemption stories, their “this is what I did to women and now I get it” confessions.
She pointed to artist Jidenna as an example. His video admitting to mistreatment of women went viral, but she didn’t buy it. To her, it looked like:
- A brag about how many women he mistreated
- A new manipulation tactic
- A way to emotionally bait women who are finally opting out of sex, marriage, and even serious dating
And I agreed with her. Because honestly? This ain’t new.
Men have been faking their way into relationships for decades. This is just the rebrand.
If you are enjoying the reading experience, you should read: Why Men Crave the Baddie But Marry the Bare-Faced Woman 💋
Why Fake Healed Men Keep Winning
The truth? Healing is hard. And a lot of men don’t want to do the work.
It’s easier to:
- Lift weights than lift trauma
- Share a story than unpack it
- Talk about growth than show growth
And why would they change when some women still take them back?
Men aren’t incentivized to heal if women still make room for their chaos. If they can still get sex, emotional support, validation, or even marriage, what reason do they have to actually do the inner work?
“This is why men pretend to be healed — because it’s hard as shit to face your own demons.” — The Sovereign Woman
When Men Protect Other Toxic Men
Even the small percentage of actually healed men — if they exist — usually stay quiet. They won’t check their homeboys. They won’t hold other men accountable. They won’t say a word when disrespect is happening right in front of them.
That silence? It keeps the cycle going.
Men will keep their toxic high school friends around for decades because they think growth is optional. Meanwhile, women are in therapy, practicing celibacy, journaling, quitting dating altogether, and taking their healing seriously.
But healing isn’t a gender war. It’s a personal choice.
Still, it seems like many men don’t believe they’re the problem. And as long as there are women who accept the bare minimum or still romanticize potential, men won’t change.
Brutal Honesty Doesn’t Heal You. Accountability Does.
Yes, it’s great when a man can own his past. But unless those words are followed by consistent change, they’re just another form of manipulation.
Honesty without action is just performance.
And I’m no longer clapping for men who confess without doing the inner work. Because vulnerability without accountability is just emotional chaos dressed up in self-awareness.
So no, I won’t date you because you told the truth. I’ll date you when the truth changed you.
-Teri Nickels (Originally discussed on Medium.com by Teri Nickels)
Have you come across a “fake healed” man in your life? Someone who confessed their past but never changed their ways? Share your thoughts — because being honest isn’t the same as being ready.
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